Sunday, May 23, 2010

I Hate My Friends

I hate them cuz when I'm in my ever bordest state and I call them, they get busy and tell me they'll call me later.. Some of them don't call until the next day... Or the next week!! And some others call me in the night when I'm tired and want to sleep.

Right now I'm soooo bored, and 5 are busy and one is sleeping. Tonight they'll call me, I know.. But I'm not taking calls... I'll sleep at 10. Max 10:30.. Uff... Friends are stupid!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Bye Bye Vacation :(

3 weeks vacation + 1 week in Beirut for a course. And all that is over! :'( I want more vacation!!

Beirut was nice, I'd rather be up the mountains than close to the sea; I'm not a fan of humidity and heat. The course was great, networking with people from my specialty from many different Arab countries; Sudan, Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, UAE, Qatar, Iraq, Tunis, Palestine, Philippines (expat :p), also from USA and Italy.. In addition to people from Egypt, Bahrain, and others... The vast majority of them were academics, which wasn't bad, but it would be nicer if we met people with hands on experience. We're planning to stay in touch. We're sharing our pictures, contacts, and planning for future meetings in conferences/courses/forums, and international site visits.

I'm supposed to write a report about the course, boss's boss's boss asked for it, and boss told me he's expecting it tomorrow. I sent him an email and told him I'll do that after my finals (three finals this weekend, pray for me!). I had enough wallah, I didn't study at all this semester because of work! No report writing until I'm done with the finals. Moreover, tomorrow I have a meeting with the consultants from the project, I also had enough of working with annoying guy! He's been making bigger problems and extending work on the project in a stupid way, it reached shouting and cursing at one of the consultants. I am done working with him, he's not on my team, I'll tell them I'm going to propose to the team that he leaves the project; and I'll make it clear that if he doesn't leave, I will apologize to the medical director and the project steering committee and pull out of the project. I can't keep wasting my time with him.

O bss :p

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Going to Beirut

* I'm not liking the jokes about Riyadh, what happened was unfortunate. I'm sure people are still suffering.
* I'm in Beirut for a week, I have a course. I didn't sleep well last night, obviously I'm afraid of flying. The flight is almost 3 hours and I took one tablet of propranolol to "block" my adrenaline, but it can't block the fear itself! The rest is up to me!! I have Xanax with me, my doc gave it to me for emergencies, but I never used it. My friend told me that her friends in the US were just talking about this drug, and how they take it for long flights to have "positive thoughts". I don't wanna take it, I did a whole lot of research, and I carried it with me. I finally put my trust in God. He kept me safe.
* I'd love to attend those pre-flight classes that helps you deal with panic and anxiety.
* I have 3 finals in two weeks.
1st subject: I have one chapter left to finish studying it.
2nd subject: I gotta study the whole material for the FIRST time!
3rd subject: I already studied all the material for the mid term, which is good, but still need to do heavy reviewing.
Now, how am I gonna study all the material when I have the course and then I have to go back to work?! I need your prayers.
* I don't really like to stay by myself, but I'm staying kind of alone in Beirut for the course. A colleague from the office is also attending this course, but she's here with her family (mom + child + MAID + husband will come in a couple of days). I'm AaalooowwWne!! I told myself, no worries, at least I'll get to do the "solo traveler" thing, if I like it, I might do it again!
* Mmmm actually am bored in the plane and am writing this and planning to send it as soon as we land. About 45mins more.. Inshallah aw9al bissalama ya rub!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Mr. Right :p

This is funny :D a BB BC:

I haven't met Mr. Right yet.. But I have met:
☑ Mr. Asshole
☑ Mr. Engaged
☑ Mr. Psycho
☑ Mr. Drama
☑ Mr. Cheap ass
☑ Mr. Obsessed !
☑ Mr. Married =))
The list goes on:
☑ Mr. Your just to good 4 me , u deserve better!!
☑ Mr. I had a car accident that's why I couldn't answer my phone or come
☑ Mr. All girls r bitch's and my sis is an angel...
☑ Mr. I can't propose to you coz my parents want me to marry my cousin!
☑ Mr. I'm the one who controls this relationship
☑ Mr. Busy busy busy!!
☑ Mr. Ana rijal ma y3bny shai
☑ Mr. I'm afraıd Ur famıly won't accept me cuz' of the stupid MOJTAMA3 thinking.
☑ Mr. Ana ma3moli 3amal marbooot ma agdr atzawajek, bs its ok 2 have u as a girl friend.=D
☑ Mr. I'm an angel I'm perfect o ma a'3l6
☑ Mr. Unsuccessful
☑ Mr. Looooooser
☑ Mr. Oh look at me I'm too pretty
☑ Mr. U r the last thing in my list
☑ Mr. U r way too complicated and I can't get u.
☑ Mr. Ma a3te4er o Ta3ali ra'9ini or I'll leave u!
☑ Mr. I'm not a relationship guy bs enti 3'air sub7an allah!
☑ Mr. It's not you ,, it's me !! << The old fashion excuse.
☑ Mr. BISEXUAL o y7ss he deserves al(men's rights) :/
☑ Mr. I'm afraid of allah fj2ah that's why I have to broke up (he lies) yb3'a t9refa tsktek ast3'fr Allah
☑ Mr. Ana kont met7ames awal ma 3reftk I thought I love u but I was wrong!
☑ Mr. I am already in love but I love u 2, ash asawe I am n love with 2. 010 that's 2010 ,NEEEWWW
...... Fill in the blanks girls ;) loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool


Monday, April 12, 2010

It Is Not Funny...

I haven't been talking about anything but how much I'm tired and how badly I am looking forward for my leave. I agreed with boss that I'm not gonna cover for him. But on Saturday I am surprised that I actually am!
I had no choice! I got pissed at him. We were talking on BBM and I told him I didn't know I've been covering for you!
Me: You put me in your out of office replay and people are sending me your emails.
Boss: You're just there for signing papers (means that his boss will cover for him).

We spoke for a bit and I mentioned Tuesday which I am supposed to be on leave...

Boss: I will be in Riyadh Tuesday.
Me: then let your boss cover for you! You know I am sick ya nas I am sick and tired!!
Boss: wallah I am not happy about it, he will come too.
Me: you're not serious!! Then let HIS boss cover for you two...
Boss: he is coming too...
Me: -getting annoyed- then let flan (the CEO) cover for you guys.. I don't care if...
Boss: he is coming too.
Me: :O.. Wah..

And then he told me the story of the minister bla bla bla. I was so upset, and his boss came later and I spoke to him and I told him you guys are really making me angry.. And I showed him my meds, he laughed and said I reminded him of his grandma!!

Almohim boss pulled me from the never ending exhausting mind draining project for this week, and we finally agreed that I will leave the place unattended on Tuesday, and shall a museeba happen, I will come from home.

Truth is, I am saying that I'm not coming, but I don't have the heart to do this.
And truth is, they are going to be away until Wednesday noon.
And truth is, I have the right to take 3 weeks leave (starting next Saturday), which will be followed by a one week trip to Lebanon for a course!

Wouldn't that be cool? ;)

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Last Week Before FaKasHon!!

I was able to have an anxiety/panic-free day yesterday; it had a lot to do with being off, and I am certain that my school buddy's prayers had a huge impact... I was pretty much "relaxed" the whole day...
But the moment I opened my eyes today when I heard the sound of the alarm, I felt it again.. I tried to analyze the situation according to what shrinky explained, he said that the way I think about the situation is the thing that leads to my emotions and behavior towards it. So, what's the situation? Me having to go to work? Meh.. What... Wah...
Wow, I really burned myself out working, didn't I?

I loved spending time doing almost nothing yesterday, I even enjoyed lazying around and saying "I'm too bored to move".. I will definitely keep doing that for some time! I EARNED it strongly strongly EARNED it!!

On Thursday while I was in the university, I got an email from boss asking me to cover for him for four days. We already agreed that he'll be off Sat, Sun, and Mon, and I'll take Tues and Fri before my two weeks vacation (to study for my finals/get away from work), and I told him that I am sorry but I will not be able to cover for him during his leave, because I am SICK. He knows everything, so he agreed. Now this email is basically telling me not only to stay at work, but asking me to cover for him. "Please agree..." Reading those words made me want to cry. I immediately spoke to him on BBM, I was tearful. He told me it is okay, and asked me not to worry about who will cover for him while he is gone.

I really need rehabilitation, I am a bad case of workaholism, moreover I used more and more work pressure to get away from the other pressures that I had (didn't work by the way), and the end result became an insanely huge pressure... Ahh, the irony!

So, I'm on my way to work now... I'm more than half an hour late, dunno when will they finish "fixing" the mistakes in Dammam roads and streets.. Am not complaining though!!


Monday, April 5, 2010

Teach Me!!

I've been beating myself up!

Last night I sent an email to my shrink (yes, I have a "shrink" :p), a looooong one!
I was thinking out loud about what could be the reason that made me feel worse after I started seeing him, while I said on our first meeting, and I quote myself, "I want to seal my panic problem". I told him in the email, that when someone uses the word "seal", it probably indicates that that someone had "contained" the thing and put a lid on it, and just wants to secure it!
I thought out loud, and I wrote my stressors in the past two weeks, as well as the positive things that happened to me during the past... I dunno, one or two months! I identified 9 stressors!! And most of them were chronic!

I realized that I do have stress issues, I have more on my plate than I SHOULD be having. I realized that it is not only others that are giving me stuff to do and more work to make sure is done 100% super perfectly; I am also doing that to myself.
I am a perfectionist, and I did this to myself, and I am letting things get to me because I don't know any better.

So, I decided that I will relax. See, even if you tell me, hey Dear, try to relax well ya? I'd tell you, I'm honestly trying but I can't! It is true! I am trying but I am unable to! Can you believe that I have forgotten how to relax? I started by "no more taking my work home with me" today, and when I closed the car door, I was like, ok, now what? What will I do? Mmm, why don't I think about what happened at work today? Or think about what I should do at work tomorrow... And I started revising what happened in the meeting with the director, and then the project team, and.... Heeey wait a minute! I am back to work!!!

What are my hobbies? Maybe I should do yoga, and get busy taking good pictures, why not? Mmm, mom told me I should go back to drawing!

So, guys, help a girl out.. Give me your ideas, brainstorm! What do people do to relax after work? Be anonymous if you wanna :p
Please give me something that doesn't require taking a vacation :D

PS Bliss and MOZA thnx for your comments :)

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Thanks guys for your comments :) lemmi just finish the finals and more "mitaltila" assignments, and then watch it! Gosh this project at work is draining me out..

Wanna know how are things with Annoying Guy?

Well, I think he actually "listens" to me kinda! He pretends that he is his old annoying self and would like to go on and on about himself and stuff... But after certain critical events, when I speak to him, he quiets down and takes in what I say to him. I coached him on the phone that when he wants to discuss anything with me, he should LISTEN and DONT INTERRUPT! I actually told him, you got a pen and paper? Ok, get em, now listen carefully because if you want this conversation going, then you're gonna have to listen and don't interrupt, if you have ANY COMMENT, you're gonna have to write it down on that piece of paper, and when I'm done, you're gonna say your comments. And that was how our almost 45 minutes discussion went on the phone. He expressed his opinion, which I didn't agree with on many levels, and the next day, it was as though we had a new Annoying Guy.. He was so happy to hear my voice on the phone the next day (I was calling looking for someone else but he caught me and went on and on about nothing...) and he "apologized" for raising his voice when I asked him to learn to lower it :p

Gosh.. He might still be annoying, but something in him changed! He could learn if he was taught.. Nobody's perfect I know, I shouldn't talk.. But seriously..

This project taught each and every one of us a little something (or something big)... No regrets on the learning, but the burnout... Meh.. Can't wait till my two weeks vacation to study for my finals!


Friday, April 2, 2010

This is The Second Time

This is the second time that I feel like, I will dive in watching series. Cuz I feel so lonely even though my life is hectic. I watched 3 seasons of Ugly Betty and 6 seasons of Sex and the City on my first time...
I'm planning to watch How I Met Your Mother, if I had time!!

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I don't study and I don't do my assignments. I took the university off my mind all this time because of the project at work, that is taking more than half of my time and draining me out!
So I've been straining myself since last night, I was SO sleepy and exhausted but I remained awake to finish at least half the work on the assignment that I thought was due today. I worked on it in the car on my way to Bahrain and finished it by prayer time. And in the lecture, just when I decided to finally open the class plan for the subject, I discover that the lecturer extended the due date for a week! I totally forgot about it! .. Until then, I wasn't upset about it, but when I went to the next lecture, and I found my classmates talking to the lecturer about the second assignment; I remember that ohmyGod I didn't put this subject's first assignment into account! I am 4 days overdue, how's that?
I spoke to him and I told him, I'm sorry it's this project and stuff, and I'll submit it tomorrow... He said I should send it to his email with a justification :(
It's this stupid project and now I'm upset! Thursday has gone for school, and I'm gonna spend Friday creating the assignment and preparing my justification, and preparing for my BIG team meeting that'll be on Saturday for the project.

I can't wait till this project finishes, but I don't know how I'll be able to study for the coming midterms and finals... And do the rest of the assignments (I have 3 more). My finals are from mid to the end of April, and the project "should" end by mid April. And even if it ends, it doesn't mean that I'd be done; there will be at least one team meeting with the executives and the senior managers.

I really want a vacation in April just to study and get good grades. At least two weeks. I hope this project doesn't totally ruin my studies!

And that was my rant for the day.
And yeah, lecture day means buttache. I'm still in the car coming back (that's sitting on it since 12 noon) it HURTTTTS! :(

Friday, March 12, 2010

Weekend of Reunions

Had a mini-celebration last night at home; we were celebrating my brother's new job (finally!!). Family and mom's friends came over. It was great to see my aunts and my cousins that I haven't seen for months! I sat next to my cousin who was my BFF when we were teenagers, and my sisters, cousins, and nieces were sitting around us. We were all eating and talking, it was nice! Sitting together like that reminded me of when we were little, when me and my cousins used to sit like this and have our dinner at grandma's.

I would like to believe that I looked nice, Petrilude's makeup tutorials made my life EASIER! That guy is insanely talented, find him on YouTube ;)

I'm having another reunion today inshallah with my friends from the university. I miss those girls so much! We used to spend a lot of time together when we were students, we used to "invite ourselves" for a very late lunch at any lucky volunteer's place after school, and we used to see each other like every month when we finished uni and started working. Years and life brought us apart, to the extent that we started to do "emergency reunions" when we don't see each other for a while so long that we feel ashamed of ourselves!!

This time I just felt like it, my life is getting inshallah more and more stable, and so is my mood with God's willing ;) so I invited the girls over via Facebook! Can you believe that the whole thing happened through FB, SMS, BBM, and we changed the timing and the place without a single phone call? I'm wowed at how busy life is getting!

I'm excited to see them and their little ones! They all have a mini-me now except for myself and another girl (we are the single couple :p)... The girl who is hosting has two adorable boys mashallah, three others have one little lady each, one of which has a second baby on the way, and one just had a boy... Three more are not attending: one has a boy and is in the US, one has two boys and a gorgeous girl and is also in the US, and the third is so busy preparing for her wedding by the end of March.
I haven't seen the most recent boy and girl, how cool are my friends though ;)
I was talking to one of my friends on BBM, about our babies making a shilla like ours in the future, the idea is funny! Again, if I don't get a decent man soon, I hope that my kids -the ones that I'll have with my husband in heaven- make their own shilla :p will keep the idea on mind till then :) pray for me!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

There is This Guy...

If you are my ex, please don't read this post...

How do people do it? I really don't know...
I might have lost my faith in love after marriage, or even after engagement...!!?

I don't know if people are lying about their happiness with their spouses after they get married and all, but I feel that there is something wrong when I see people who are married, with kids, talking about how much they miss the other person... This "something wrong" might be something wrong with me, probably, not them..

I don't know! It is hard for me to believe it, because ex used to make me feel that he wasn't excited for our wedding. In fact, he made me feel like it was something he wants to get done with and get out of his way. Like not wanting, and saying that we don't need to celebrate our anniversary. Like not making a deal out of my birthday even as a complement. Like doing nothing for Valentine's day... Like never being excited to see me or to do something just to see me smiling... Like a lot of things... He said he'd miss me when we broke up.. I didn't want to believe it, because he never came to me and told me "I miss you" or "I love you" if I didn't remind him to say it.. Hell, he said "I love ME too" once when I said "I love you".. Still hurts!! Maybe he said he missed me once...

He said he isn't good at expressing his feelings. That would be fine -not entirely acceptable either- if he didn't "express" his other feelings about not wanting to do all those things...

Guys think that if they say "I'm not good at expressing myself", we'd excuse them and think that they are really into us bla bla, but poor them they would have "expressed" if they could!! Nonsense!!. What if a girl and a guy have sex, and she doesn't show her interest or desire in sex, and everytime he wanna have sex with her, she'd seem reluctant and makes him feel that she was forced to do it.. And she'd tell the guy that she "isn't good at expressing her sexual desires".. And they'd have silent, quiet, almost dead sex... And at the end, she'd tell him, "you are, my friend, a demanding guy!!"..

Emotions to us are like sex to them... But I guess "some" guys would take dead sex and be happy with it, as long as it is sex...

I just read on facebook one of my contacts saying that she is so excited because she is going to Almadeena with her husband, "just me and him"... And I was like, for real? Is he excited too? Do men do that? Do they actually want to spend time with their wives without TV without interruptions and NOT FOR SEX? Hmmmm...

I got frustrated... Maybe the reason that I wasn't happy was that I was as he said, "demanding"... But on the other hand, I wasn't inventing demands, girls usually ask for the same things; and I did ask around, I turned out to be quite alright... I am sometimes a perfectionist in the sense that I want things to be done in the highest quality available... And if I knew that the person who is in front of me is able to deliver better than what he is doing, but he/she isn't because he/she doesn't feel like making the extra effort, and this repeats over and over again... I don't become completely satisfied.. Anyways, he was "lazy", a total couch potato; so who is he to judge?

So, some people are actually into each other ha?.... Interesting....

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Don't ya Just LOVE Annoying Guy?!

C!!!! I miss yaaaaawh! I heart you for slapping annoying guy :D it was a dramatic comment hehe..
Dino - annoying people think they're funny!! That's their problem :)
Fadiosis- wallah I didn't want to embarrass him, but I wanted to tell him that yes I heard you and no what you're saying is not amusing or wanted :p
Turk girl- I wish I had the time and energy to visit your blog and all of my bloggy friends' as well :( see how I reply to your comments from the post? :'( sowwy!


Annoying guy made a scene on the last day of the meetings!! He said something in a discussion that I wasn't a member in :p, and I wanted to comment on what he said (as a team member, I have all the right to raise my concerns :D).. I was like "are we trying to create a function or be it ourselves? Because I hear someone saying "bla bla.."".. Almohim I said "someone" trying to avoid saying his name, and I didn't want to say his name and I find him taking it personally and saying that I am taking sides against him. He interrupted me, and suddenly he kinda throws his pen on the table dramatically, rests his back to the back of his chair violently, and says "NO NO, you have to appreciate me! Why are you saying "someone"? Say (and he said his name), no, no, no.. You have to appreciate me..." He said that in dissatisfaction, I was shocked and I told him, I'm sorry fulan, I do appreciate you! He interrupted me again and he disagreed and said that I am not.. I told him, okay fulan I am SORRY, you misunderstood me.. I am apologizing... He said he didn't want an apology, and he said that I should appreciate him..
Still in shock, I looked at the facilitator, and raised both my hands giving up.

What a scene! I spoke to some other team members, I was going to talk to him the next day just to be the bigger person. But the next day I decided that it was enough that he made a huge scene out of a stupid misunderstanding, and that I did apologize to him BECAUSE HE MISUNDERSTOOD MY INTENTION, on the spot, in front of the whole team and OMG in front of the CEO consultant that was visiting that day!!

Long, full day meetings are over.. Now we have almost everyday meetings that go on for 2-4 hours. The leader from the company keeps putting me in every action item, we have a total of 13, and we are 12 members, and now I am involved in 5, the 6th however, the team is "nominating" me to take all on my own!! It is enough that I volunteered to do a bigger part on the presentation that we did in front of ALL the executives, and although I was afraid of having another panic attack on the day of the presentation, I volunteered I held my hand and I said fine I'll do it! Because it was hard for others to hold their hands up and do the same maybe because they are too shy!!
I am shy too!... I think...
But really, I am sick! I get panicky! And I also have my full time job.. And I didn't do my assignment for school :( but I did ask IT guy to help me on it, and he said he thinks he can help me :)
It is due on the 18th.. I know I can depend on IT guy ;)

I also went to the employee clinic, the new Saudi doctor rocks! He makes me feel like a TRUE patient sitting in front of THE DOCTOR! He is smart, thinks fast, gives you related info and educates you about what you're feeling and what you should do,, actually listens (not only hears!!) and looks at you (not in a bad way, in a very professional way).. And he comes through with the right treatment that actually makes you feel better! I'm always giving him good reviews :D.. I went because I wanted to see how my liver, kidneys, hemoglubin, iron, and cholesterol are doing.. And he asked me some questions, and made me talk about my panic, and he said he's been there and he knows what panic attacks are. He actually encouraged me to talk about how my panic attacks start by talking about his! He gave me pills that are used to lower your blood pressure, but he gave me a tiny dose, he said this will help in controlling my tachycardia and palpitation, which are usually the first indications of a panic attack.. I told him that if I even feel my heart beating faster or harder than usual, even if I just ran or something, I start getting what is called "anticipatory anxiety".. I took one pill today, and I don't know, it might be psychological only, but I feel better :)

He said he used to have panic attacks, and now he is cured all thanks to God...

I'm home.. Ciao!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Annoying Guy

So I'm a team member on this project at work; the project goes like this: 6 days of full day meetings where the 12 of us (team members) are discussing, analyzing, and documenting a certain process in our work place to improve it. It is a lot of mental work and heated discussion!!
After the six days, the elected team leader would present the project and the action plan to the executives, and after approval, he/she would lead the implementation of the change to improve the process.
The daily team meetings are full of discussions and sometimes opposing opinions; the discussion was carried out in a respectful and organized way, even if one was trying to make out a point that EVERYONE is wrong! Which was good...

So the team members were selected by their departments executives/senior managers; and one of the members is a receptionist aka "annoying guy".
Annoying guy was not really annoying to me until this happened: we just came back from a short break last Wednesday, and the facilitators were trying to get us to come work on this project on Thursday. I told them, I would love to, but absolutely not, I have lectures and a quiz this Thursday in Bahrain. I said, I'm not coming! He replied: if you're not coming, then who will attack? (He is implying that I am attacking others when I am discussing problems with the process and asking them questions and requesting explanations, I was pretty active :p)
I was shocked because, not only he thinks he is all that and that his receptionist experience qualifies him now to discuss medical stuff (he actually "apologizes" for using the medical terminology), now he is trying to look important by this nice question, who will attack?
I was so annoyed, so shocked of such childish behavior coming from a man who has double my working experience. Fine! I smiled and told him that I am not attacking, I am working for the hospital!
His comment was annoying. But I chose to ignore it for professional reasons. Then on Saturday, I was speaking to the group, making a serious comment about an issue that was raised up, and he interrupted me when I first started, and he repeated the word again in front of everyone (go on, attack!). I stopped talking, turned to him smiling, and said "thank you (flan) for your NICE comment" and I turned to the group with a totally serious face and went on talking. Nobody looked at him again, I was able to pull their attention to me thanking him for the word that he said, and then pull it back to what I was saying. It was like, when there is a child shouting and you give him a cookie and he shuts up!
I ignored his behavior not because I could not answer him, wallahi I have nicer come backs, but I rather not reduce myself to his size.
After we finished the discussion, he told me "I am just kidding! You are serious since morning?!" I told him seriously, "that was NOT nice". Period. Ignore. He repeats, I repeat and then ignore. Ignore, ignore, ignore...

Annoying guy disrupted and interrupted most of us, most of us think he is either annoying, or just a person who is ready to clown around at any time. We all despise it when he turns to pretentious mode and pretends to know it all.

He is so annoying, I keep ignoring him whenever he throws another nice comment. And I don't think he would dare give me one of those anymore, because he knows that I will smile and thank him and make him look like a fool.

He got to the look-at-me girl, she got so annoyed that she really got upset about some stupid thing he said. I told her since day one to ignore him, because we are a group of intelligent people, and we will certainly not give weight to whatever foolishness he blurts out. She didn't listen to me and she argued with him.

Isn't he annoying? :p

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Butt Ache

Since I know I won't have time or energy to reply to your comments, I'm gonna start by saying ThaNks guys and girls for your support.. I'm sorry for those of you who know what a panic attack is like :( it is just awful! I read on Wikipedia that it is "the most horrible feeling a person experiences" or something of that sort, and I went "yaaaaas that's true :("...
I missed you too and I missed blogger and I missed telling you stuff that I don't have anyone to tell to! I miss you a lot mwah :*

So.. Post now..
On my way back from Bahrain. I had 3 lectures, two hours each, 6 hours straight!! Well, the last lecturer finished about 30 minutes earlier, but 30 minutes is insignificant compared to the amount of time that I've been spending SITTING lately...
I was complaining just yesterday that I've spent the last two days sitting in a FULL DAY meeting, I didn't move much except for prayer, food, or the toilet. Those meetings are going to be for 6 days for a pilot project that I'm a member of. My butt hurts. The meetings hurt my butt. The 3+ hours trip to Bahrain hurt my butt. The 5 and a half hours lectures hurt my butt. And it will hurt on the -inshallah- an hour an a half trip back home.
My butt hurts so much, I am unable to sit on it!! I wanna sit on somebody else's butt! My butt is suffocating.. it is so sore that I am not even considering a butt massage... I'm gonna have gluteal wasting! Is my butt gonna get smaller or larger?... It hurts!

And the thought that I have four more days of those meetings next week ... And the meeting would go from 8 AM untill 7 PM... OMG!

Have mercy...

The most enjoyable part of my trip back is the juicy shawirma I just had. Alhamdulillah for food.. Straightened up my mood!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hey, I'm back...
Dunno why or for how long, dunno if I'll even finish this post or publish it.. But I know that I am back.

I have been estranged, I haven't been myself for quite a long time; I have been depressed and tired.. I had panic attacks, at first I didn't know that what I'm going through is panic attacks, but then when I fainted one day, and I read about it, I realized that I have been having them for some time... I took lectures about panic disorders when I studied psychiatry, but I have never imagined that panic could be THIS awful... I believe that nobody is going to understand what recurring panic attacks is until it he/she experiences it... Trust me on that, it is the worst feeling :(

One day last week mom decided that it is enough what my family have put me through, it was when I felt I was stepping into insanity. That day I had one at work and for the first time I went to ER. Valium was nothing to me, I slept for a couple of hours and I woke up in almost the same state... It became real to them that I am getting sick.. And that is when they released me...

Getting closer to God was my treatment, I still have five tablets of Valium untouched (and are not for sale :p).. I don't want to become an addict...

I'm fine now, not 100% fine, but I am.. There is still the occasional anxiety that sometimes exceeds the normal, but I can say that I am al7amdilla controlling it. The way to treat panic attacks is basically controlling those emotions when you get them; convincing yourself that nothing bad is REALLY going to happen. This is of course easier said than done; how can you convince yourself that you're safe, when you are convincing that you aren't, and everything else doesn't make sense?
There are some methods to do this control that psychiatrists know.. If that didn't work, they'd put you on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. I'm very thankful to Allah that I didn't get there.. It is a blessing.

Panic attacks are so awful, I can't even begin to describe it... But if I could get out, so can most people..

So, I'm back!

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