Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Way I Feel at Weddings

It's 2:20 AM and I'm still at the wedding hall; it's my cousin's wedding. My cousin and I were best friends as teenagers, and it was great! We were also neighbors, and she used to send me letters with her little sister like "come to my house, it's URGETNT!" and I'd go to her place wondering about the urgent thing that cannot be said on the phone, and when I get there, she laughs and it turns out that she is bored and too lazy to talk on the phone and try to convince me to come over.

So the the thing is, you know how weddings make you feel extra SINGLE if you are, and extra ALONE, especially when everything is done, and the bride and groom are looking so happy leaving the hall, the celebration, the dancing, the noise and all the guests; hand in hand or in each other's arms, going to their own new home where they will build a life of love, problems, and eventually: forgiveness.. You know that feeling? That is how weddings make me feel...

And it made me sad tonight that I was almost married a couple of months ago; I was almost going to make that exit that I always saw at weddings and always wished that when I get married, on my wedding, I do it while feeling like there is nothing in the world more correct than this. It made me sad when I realized that I don't feel that way about my fiance, that if I make that exit with him, I'd be lying to myself and to him and to our families and to all the guests at our wedding, and to every single person that would congratulate me.

I wasn't happy with him, and although we bought the furniture for the apartment, and I started to organize the dishes and the stupid stuff that I bought for our the kitchen; I wasn't really feeling that I want to live there. One afternoon, I was alone with him in the apartment after we brought some stuff and some groceries, we spend some time there trying to watch a movie, and again, I realized that... no, I don't want to LIVE with him ALONE just the two of us, forEVER!

He is not a bad person, he was okay and he said that he always loved me. He started trying to make things work after a while, but I could not get over his flaws; for one, he would rather watch football than spend time with me, even though I cried so much about it. As I said, he was trying, and when he changed that one thing about him, and it was a huge issue; it was too late! I had already stopped loving him. I was wishing and waiting for him to fall in love with me; I hoped for that with all my heart. It didn't happen.

So, it is sad. And I didn't plan or want all this to happen, I'm now legally "divorced", who would want that? Who wouldn't want to live with someone else and make him/her happy? Who wouldn't want to have the real "exit" moment? But it happened, and we broke up.

The bride's sister, my cousin, sat with me after the wedding "how are you?" And "How are you handling it?" And "We were really stressed out about it, and we really felt for you".. She hugged me and kissed me and she told me that she knew that this is happening for a while (his niece is her friend and she told her), and she was worried about me for a while. It is God's willing, "qisma wa naseeb".. That is what she kept saying.

It would be the most beautiful part of my wedding, making that exit with real true feelings.

*Jason Mraz - Details in The Fabric


17 cool peeps replied:

rubz said...

Awww... i dont know if this makes you feel better but i think u did the right thing :D
its always better to do the right thing and be miserable for a couple of weeks than do the wrong thing and feel miserable the rest of your life :D
cheer up ;*

M O Z A said...

but im sure you'd rather exit with some one you love later than someone you don't now =) .. there is someone for everyone,

[MaDry-Shakw~] said...

Its not the " exit " if its not with the person you REALY Want..
Hang in there;*

Euphoria said...


MuSe Sphere said...

i'm sorry dear. but i really believe when things like this happen, it means that it's not ours or not our destiny. there is someone else waiting for you and you are going to find him and make the most beautiful exit with him :)

Anonymous said...

I'm happy for you! Its better to marry someone who you love than someone you don't feel comfortable with! You need lots of hugs for the courage...I will give you lots of lots of them *hugssssssssssssssssssssss*

nosa said...

actuly that sounds a lil scary.. its like when ur alone with him u'l know who he is.. n how ur life will be.. just u n him..

im glad u made ur decision n didnt hang on n just lied to urself which will lead to ur messery.. inshalah u'll find some1 wow.. u'll know that he is the 1..

cheeer up.. n chin up.. ur exsit will be with some1 u love everybit of him..

Jundi said...

well as long as u dont regret ur decision i guess its for the best .. its normal to feel sad about it .. that was a very sweet post btw despite the sort of downer tone to it

ohDear!! said...

I think so too, for both of us.
You're right, thank you 7abibti :* you're so sweet..

Is there?
Are you telling me that there is someone perfect for me, age appropriate, gender appropriate, straight, handsome, religion appropriate, and would impress my parents?
Are you? ARE YOU?

Dunno why am snapping at you ^^,

Yeah, love that "exit" :)

7abibti did I depress you? :o GET OVER IT :p lol kidding..

MuSe Sphere
True dat *nods*..
What he waiting for? Yalla enough waiting already, mama needs some luvin :p

Awwh! Best hug I had in a while *hugs back*!
Babe, I kinda started imagining your exit, in Vera Wang and LV ;)

Started to cheer up after that past :) blaber-therapy! ;)
Chin up, chest up, hands up in the ayer!
Thanks hun :*

I don't regret it, and I agree with you, it is sweet.. but maybe not for my ex!

M O Z A said...

there is always a right fit and by this i don't mean that he has to be perfect in everything u wish for, coz no one is, not even u

ohDear!! said...

I'm not perfect, but I'm wonderful! I know I'm 3a9abeya and my opinion is my opinion :p but otherwise I'm cool! I'm not expecting perfect but aspiring ;)
Thanks babe :*

Anonymous said...

LOOOL we will have to wait for that day! Maybe 10 Nov 2012 :P maybe...maybe...

Babe about the offer to jump in your sexay lingerie, I would LOVE too! OMG OMG, did I mentioned that I'm crazy about lingerie?! We will make a sleepover party at your place!

ohDear!! said...

~Hmm we got an approximate date there ;) .. I'll make sure I'm on vacation, let me know early so I can book a flight :D .. Umm, and don't forget my hubby is coming too (I'll be married, maybe with a kid.. or I'll be the glamorously pregnant chic :p ..).. almohim!
~YEAH! KOOL :) I call the red corset :pPpp heheheee..

Whispering Thoughts said...

I feel I'm late to comment : ) . I've just read this 2day. Hmm , ok , now , why r u still connected if u feel u've done the right thing ?
Well, I wish u all happiness , but believe me , I feel u were doing the right thing , and that's u were shortening the way b4 it's getting more complicated. Hey , u gotta have this advice from this young ass ……….. don't think a lot about past , consider everyday as it's a start over .Just don't think , don't think , don't think ….

ohDear!! said...

Whispering Thoughts
I certainly do not feel connected? Where did I imply that?
I was talking about exiting with "the right guy".
Anyhow, thank you, can't help myself from the thinking though.. *hugs back*

Anonymous said...

You know what babe, let's go to the sin city in that date, I want a Vegas wedding, LOOOL :P

YES! YES! I know you will be the coolest mom ever! Baby in a stroller, perfectly match outfit and a Chanel flap purse hanging on your shoulder! Aha never forget the aviator!

Anonymous said...

hi there
i know what u feel, i've been there before, many many times,
once i thought that im over with this odd situation : i was engaged..i was so happy, thought i was a queen, and i was for a short time..then i had to open my eyes to see that the fairy tale does no longer exist..and i had to make a decision ==>split
i left him cuz i knew that sooner or later we will have to face it..and we broke up before going too far..
so when i remember how it feels to be a man's queen, its so damn sweet but ( there is always a but, and if there is a but then there is a BUT..)i had to make this decision, it was hard the first couple of months..but nowim ok..dreaming again of my sweet prince in a shinnin armor riding a white horse...its never too late

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