The Way I Feel at Weddings

It's 2:20 AM and I'm still at the wedding hall; it's my cousin's wedding. My cousin and I were best friends as teenagers, and it was great! We were also neighbors, and she used to send me letters with her little sister like "come to my house, it's URGETNT!" and I'd go to her place wondering about the urgent thing that cannot be said on the phone, and when I get there, she laughs and it turns out that she is bored and too lazy to talk on the phone and try to convince me to come over.

So the the thing is, you know how weddings make you feel extra SINGLE if you are, and extra ALONE, especially when everything is done, and the bride and groom are looking so happy leaving the hall, the celebration, the dancing, the noise and all the guests; hand in hand or in each other's arms, going to their own new home where they will build a life of love, problems, and eventually: forgiveness.. You know that feeling? That is how weddings make me feel...

And it made me sad tonight that I was almost married a couple of months ago; I was almost going to make that exit that I always saw at weddings and always wished that when I get married, on my wedding, I do it while feeling like there is nothing in the world more correct than this. It made me sad when I realized that I don't feel that way about my fiance, that if I make that exit with him, I'd be lying to myself and to him and to our families and to all the guests at our wedding, and to every single person that would congratulate me.

I wasn't happy with him, and although we bought the furniture for the apartment, and I started to organize the dishes and the stupid stuff that I bought for our the kitchen; I wasn't really feeling that I want to live there. One afternoon, I was alone with him in the apartment after we brought some stuff and some groceries, we spend some time there trying to watch a movie, and again, I realized that... no, I don't want to LIVE with him ALONE just the two of us, forEVER!

He is not a bad person, he was okay and he said that he always loved me. He started trying to make things work after a while, but I could not get over his flaws; for one, he would rather watch football than spend time with me, even though I cried so much about it. As I said, he was trying, and when he changed that one thing about him, and it was a huge issue; it was too late! I had already stopped loving him. I was wishing and waiting for him to fall in love with me; I hoped for that with all my heart. It didn't happen.

So, it is sad. And I didn't plan or want all this to happen, I'm now legally "divorced", who would want that? Who wouldn't want to live with someone else and make him/her happy? Who wouldn't want to have the real "exit" moment? But it happened, and we broke up.

The bride's sister, my cousin, sat with me after the wedding "how are you?" And "How are you handling it?" And "We were really stressed out about it, and we really felt for you".. She hugged me and kissed me and she told me that she knew that this is happening for a while (his niece is her friend and she told her), and she was worried about me for a while. It is God's willing, "qisma wa naseeb".. That is what she kept saying.

It would be the most beautiful part of my wedding, making that exit with real true feelings.

*Jason Mraz - Details in The Fabric



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