I hate the weekend, I just have a good night sleep on Wednesday and then I have nothing to do for the next two days.
I hate this house and this family.

Mn Zamaaan!

Oh My God! The guilt!
I actually feel guilty for not blogging! How can blogger feel like a family member that you need to keep in touch with, and if you don't, you feel like you are committing a sin!
I actually feel ashamed because of the length of time that I kept myself busy and away from blogger!

It was always on my mind though! I even finished a drawing and took a picture of it (can't fit into scanner; too large) and because I didn't find my USB cable, it had been waiting in my camera for 3 weeks now!!

So, latest,

I took this screening exam at work, you are supposed to pass it to become a candidate for a course that makes you able to study masters in the US (as I understood, because the US won't accept just my bachelors degree as qualification for my specialty; not really sure about that). At first, they told us that the top 10 scores will take the course. Then, when the scores came out, they said that even if you are a top 10, you're only a candidate for the course (of course picking the 10 lucky students is subject to "political" criteria). I visited the coordinator/course provider to submit my remaining papers a few days after the exam. She told me that she really wants to send me to the US because of my specialty. I am the only one from my specialty that applied; I am a "needed specialty for the organization". She talked about a few schools in the US that she thought were good, and she said that she's been doing some research for me. "You did beautifully on the test, by the way", I was glad, I said "really? Hmmm, am I a top 10?" She said "definitely" and then she told me not to tell the other girls. I was soooo happy, I went back to the office and I hugged J. J was glad for me.

Now, I think that the most important would be the "political" criteria, if you know what I'm talking about. I know that if I am not on the course, then it is because of that.

If I don't get on the course, alhamdullilah anyway, it wouldn't be the end of the universe; I am still going to apply for the sponsorship through the scholarship office.

Pray for me, I feel I need to study, I am in love with what I'm doing right now, it is my dream job :)

Hey

Just had chicken and vegetables soup. Made me feel a little better. I am much better than yesterday; I was so exhausted and couldn't move. Today, typing doesn't exhaust me, but I can't breath!!

I have no idea what I'll be doing this weekend, maybe just rest and draw. I'm working on two drawings now, once I finish one, I'll show you guys because you asked me, remember?

I'm enjoying Pet Society app on Facebook!! That's my pet, and hey look, today I decided to have a poop baskit in my bathroom.. That is where I'm going to keep my poop until I send it as a gift to some lucky friend! ;)

*Jem - They


That's the song that was on my mind Jundi, really... who made up all the rules? That's my problem.. I rethink the rules and then get myself in trouble. Yallah!

See ya..

Hey, I Have A Blog!!

Seriously, I almost forgot that I had one.. I got a few emails from blogger today, DreamerMe aka DM commented on some of my posts, and I remembered.. Hey, I have a blog! (Thanks for the comments, I swear you made me happy! Hehe)..

I didn't post anything, because I am depressed. And I don't want to write depressing stuff on my blog. Let it out, I know, yeah that's great, cool and all.. But I don't want to let it out and then have to think about it again while typing. I want to forget everything and distract myself with work, work, and more work! Works great for me!

Good news! Boss's boss is going on vacation starting next week; boss said he'll "give me a lot of things, and will let me decide on them" and he "won't say anything to me". Talk about responsibility! I don't mind that, but never mind what he says, if I need a second opinion, I'll go to him because after all, he is still my boss and I trust him. I told him, hmmmm, so starting next week, you and me will have a headache! He said yes. Because I know what it's like to be in his place, I covered for him before, and it's a HEADACHE!

So, anyhow, headache or not, I'm happy with it. Thanks boss's boss for going on vacation!

I'm so sick by the way!! Since last night I started feeling weak, headache.. Today I'm totally exhausted, and I feel like my eyes are warm from the inside. I just want to lay down and close my eyes. Breath with my mouth closed, because my breath is so warm inside, and it soothes my throat. I feel just like a little helpless kid.

Yet, I blogged!
Sorry Jundi, no song again! Because I'm blogging from my BB. I have a song on mind though..

God, my hands are exhausted from typing on BB now! Gotta go rest.. M3assalama!

I have good news: I feel better!!

Going back to work was a much needed distraction, although it took a bit of effort to get myself to kind of feel normal. I have been trying to sleep at least 6 straight hours for the past few days, but it's just not happening! I couldn't get myself to go back to sleep after 4 hours every night even with sleeping pills. And even on Sunday when I was up for 26 hours straight by 8 pm, I woke up after 4 hours. I guess it's gonna take a little more time.

I gained 3 KG in 9 days as a result of stress eating; as soon as the sleeping thing is adjusted, I am back to the gym.

I am trying my hardest to be depression-free, because I really don't want to use pills. I've been having anxiety attacks for a while, they started in the last few months of my engagement and they only got more distressing as the wedding date was approaching. I thought after canceling the wedding, they'd stop. But with the new problems that I have now and the stresses that I'm facing, they got worse!
I never spoke about them because it wasn't severe, it was tolerable. Now, I don't know how to describe it! It is horrible when it happens, suddenly, with no reason you get terrified, shaking, feeling like wanting to escape and run and scream, like being a victim in a horror movie. This is what I'm mostly trying to avoid so not to take antianxiety pills.

I started pencil drawing again, I love it, miss it, and I'm redoing some old stuff right now.

It's progress. I give all the credit to having a job outside home, alhamdulillah! I am praying to God for me to not lose my job, not only because I love it, but because it is a great distraction.

And I miss you guys! I wanna read your latest posts, but I've been out of internet network for the past few days at home; service provider problems. And you know what a dedicated worker I am, I just don't do blogger from work :p

So, anyhow, progress ha!

WTH!

I am extremely depressed... Again!

Next week I'm back to work, missed it like hell! And I'm going to break most of the rules, I am going to look for my happiness if it kills me! Because, that is the only other option.

This is the end. 3 more days. Good bye!

I thought about Prozac, I received a recommendation, but I am not up to suffer with side effects; any of them! I am going to do it the natural way; rebell and do what the hell I wanna do.

A related song:
I'm exaggerating!!
*Pink - Bad Influence