I WANT TO STUDY!

I don't study and I don't do my assignments. I took the university off my mind all this time because of the project at work, that is taking more than half of my time and draining me out!
So I've been straining myself since last night, I was SO sleepy and exhausted but I remained awake to finish at least half the work on the assignment that I thought was due today. I worked on it in the car on my way to Bahrain and finished it by prayer time. And in the lecture, just when I decided to finally open the class plan for the subject, I discover that the lecturer extended the due date for a week! I totally forgot about it! .. Until then, I wasn't upset about it, but when I went to the next lecture, and I found my classmates talking to the lecturer about the second assignment; I remember that ohmyGod I didn't put this subject's first assignment into account! I am 4 days overdue, how's that?
I spoke to him and I told him, I'm sorry it's this project and stuff, and I'll submit it tomorrow... He said I should send it to his email with a justification :(
It's this stupid project and now I'm upset! Thursday has gone for school, and I'm gonna spend Friday creating the assignment and preparing my justification, and preparing for my BIG team meeting that'll be on Saturday for the project.

I can't wait till this project finishes, but I don't know how I'll be able to study for the coming midterms and finals... And do the rest of the assignments (I have 3 more). My finals are from mid to the end of April, and the project "should" end by mid April. And even if it ends, it doesn't mean that I'd be done; there will be at least one team meeting with the executives and the senior managers.

I really want a vacation in April just to study and get good grades. At least two weeks. I hope this project doesn't totally ruin my studies!

And that was my rant for the day.
And yeah, lecture day means buttache. I'm still in the car coming back (that's sitting on it since 12 noon) it HURTTTTS! :(

Weekend of Reunions

Had a mini-celebration last night at home; we were celebrating my brother's new job (finally!!). Family and mom's friends came over. It was great to see my aunts and my cousins that I haven't seen for months! I sat next to my cousin who was my BFF when we were teenagers, and my sisters, cousins, and nieces were sitting around us. We were all eating and talking, it was nice! Sitting together like that reminded me of when we were little, when me and my cousins used to sit like this and have our dinner at grandma's.

I would like to believe that I looked nice, Petrilude's makeup tutorials made my life EASIER! That guy is insanely talented, find him on YouTube ;)

I'm having another reunion today inshallah with my friends from the university. I miss those girls so much! We used to spend a lot of time together when we were students, we used to "invite ourselves" for a very late lunch at any lucky volunteer's place after school, and we used to see each other like every month when we finished uni and started working. Years and life brought us apart, to the extent that we started to do "emergency reunions" when we don't see each other for a while so long that we feel ashamed of ourselves!!

This time I just felt like it, my life is getting inshallah more and more stable, and so is my mood with God's willing ;) so I invited the girls over via Facebook! Can you believe that the whole thing happened through FB, SMS, BBM, and we changed the timing and the place without a single phone call? I'm wowed at how busy life is getting!

I'm excited to see them and their little ones! They all have a mini-me now except for myself and another girl (we are the single couple :p)... The girl who is hosting has two adorable boys mashallah, three others have one little lady each, one of which has a second baby on the way, and one just had a boy... Three more are not attending: one has a boy and is in the US, one has two boys and a gorgeous girl and is also in the US, and the third is so busy preparing for her wedding by the end of March.
I haven't seen the most recent boy and girl, how cool are my friends though ;)
I was talking to one of my friends on BBM, about our babies making a shilla like ours in the future, the idea is funny! Again, if I don't get a decent man soon, I hope that my kids -the ones that I'll have with my husband in heaven- make their own shilla :p will keep the idea on mind till then :) pray for me!

There is This Guy...

If you are my ex, please don't read this post...
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How do people do it? I really don't know...
I might have lost my faith in love after marriage, or even after engagement...!!?

I don't know if people are lying about their happiness with their spouses after they get married and all, but I feel that there is something wrong when I see people who are married, with kids, talking about how much they miss the other person... This "something wrong" might be something wrong with me, probably, not them..

I don't know! It is hard for me to believe it, because ex used to make me feel that he wasn't excited for our wedding. In fact, he made me feel like it was something he wants to get done with and get out of his way. Like not wanting, and saying that we don't need to celebrate our anniversary. Like not making a deal out of my birthday even as a complement. Like doing nothing for Valentine's day... Like never being excited to see me or to do something just to see me smiling... Like a lot of things... He said he'd miss me when we broke up.. I didn't want to believe it, because he never came to me and told me "I miss you" or "I love you" if I didn't remind him to say it.. Hell, he said "I love ME too" once when I said "I love you".. Still hurts!! Maybe he said he missed me once...

He said he isn't good at expressing his feelings. That would be fine -not entirely acceptable either- if he didn't "express" his other feelings about not wanting to do all those things...

Guys think that if they say "I'm not good at expressing myself", we'd excuse them and think that they are really into us bla bla, but poor them they would have "expressed" if they could!! Nonsense!!. What if a girl and a guy have sex, and she doesn't show her interest or desire in sex, and everytime he wanna have sex with her, she'd seem reluctant and makes him feel that she was forced to do it.. And she'd tell the guy that she "isn't good at expressing her sexual desires".. And they'd have silent, quiet, almost dead sex... And at the end, she'd tell him, "you are, my friend, a demanding guy!!"..

Emotions to us are like sex to them... But I guess "some" guys would take dead sex and be happy with it, as long as it is sex...

I just read on facebook one of my contacts saying that she is so excited because she is going to Almadeena with her husband, "just me and him"... And I was like, for real? Is he excited too? Do men do that? Do they actually want to spend time with their wives without TV without interruptions and NOT FOR SEX? Hmmmm...

I got frustrated... Maybe the reason that I wasn't happy was that I was as he said, "demanding"... But on the other hand, I wasn't inventing demands, girls usually ask for the same things; and I did ask around, I turned out to be quite alright... I am sometimes a perfectionist in the sense that I want things to be done in the highest quality available... And if I knew that the person who is in front of me is able to deliver better than what he is doing, but he/she isn't because he/she doesn't feel like making the extra effort, and this repeats over and over again... I don't become completely satisfied.. Anyways, he was "lazy", a total couch potato; so who is he to judge?

So, some people are actually into each other ha?.... Interesting....

Don't ya Just LOVE Annoying Guy?!

C!!!! I miss yaaaaawh! I heart you for slapping annoying guy :D it was a dramatic comment hehe..
Dino - annoying people think they're funny!! That's their problem :)
Fadiosis- wallah I didn't want to embarrass him, but I wanted to tell him that yes I heard you and no what you're saying is not amusing or wanted :p
Turk girl- I wish I had the time and energy to visit your blog and all of my bloggy friends' as well :( see how I reply to your comments from the post? :'( sowwy!

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Annoying guy made a scene on the last day of the meetings!! He said something in a discussion that I wasn't a member in :p, and I wanted to comment on what he said (as a team member, I have all the right to raise my concerns :D).. I was like "are we trying to create a function or be it ourselves? Because I hear someone saying "bla bla.."".. Almohim I said "someone" trying to avoid saying his name, and I didn't want to say his name and I find him taking it personally and saying that I am taking sides against him. He interrupted me, and suddenly he kinda throws his pen on the table dramatically, rests his back to the back of his chair violently, and says "NO NO, you have to appreciate me! Why are you saying "someone"? Say (and he said his name), no, no, no.. You have to appreciate me..." He said that in dissatisfaction, I was shocked and I told him, I'm sorry fulan, I do appreciate you! He interrupted me again and he disagreed and said that I am not.. I told him, okay fulan I am SORRY, you misunderstood me.. I am apologizing... He said he didn't want an apology, and he said that I should appreciate him..
Still in shock, I looked at the facilitator, and raised both my hands giving up.

What a scene! I spoke to some other team members, I was going to talk to him the next day just to be the bigger person. But the next day I decided that it was enough that he made a huge scene out of a stupid misunderstanding, and that I did apologize to him BECAUSE HE MISUNDERSTOOD MY INTENTION, on the spot, in front of the whole team and OMG in front of the CEO consultant that was visiting that day!!

Long, full day meetings are over.. Now we have almost everyday meetings that go on for 2-4 hours. The leader from the company keeps putting me in every action item, we have a total of 13, and we are 12 members, and now I am involved in 5, the 6th however, the team is "nominating" me to take all on my own!! It is enough that I volunteered to do a bigger part on the presentation that we did in front of ALL the executives, and although I was afraid of having another panic attack on the day of the presentation, I volunteered I held my hand and I said fine I'll do it! Because it was hard for others to hold their hands up and do the same maybe because they are too shy!!
I am shy too!... I think...
But really, I am sick! I get panicky! And I also have my full time job.. And I didn't do my assignment for school :( but I did ask IT guy to help me on it, and he said he thinks he can help me :)
It is due on the 18th.. I know I can depend on IT guy ;)

I also went to the employee clinic, the new Saudi doctor rocks! He makes me feel like a TRUE patient sitting in front of THE DOCTOR! He is smart, thinks fast, gives you related info and educates you about what you're feeling and what you should do,, actually listens (not only hears!!) and looks at you (not in a bad way, in a very professional way).. And he comes through with the right treatment that actually makes you feel better! I'm always giving him good reviews :D.. I went because I wanted to see how my liver, kidneys, hemoglubin, iron, and cholesterol are doing.. And he asked me some questions, and made me talk about my panic, and he said he's been there and he knows what panic attacks are. He actually encouraged me to talk about how my panic attacks start by talking about his! He gave me pills that are used to lower your blood pressure, but he gave me a tiny dose, he said this will help in controlling my tachycardia and palpitation, which are usually the first indications of a panic attack.. I told him that if I even feel my heart beating faster or harder than usual, even if I just ran or something, I start getting what is called "anticipatory anxiety".. I took one pill today, and I don't know, it might be psychological only, but I feel better :)

He said he used to have panic attacks, and now he is cured all thanks to God...

I'm home.. Ciao!

Annoying Guy

So I'm a team member on this project at work; the project goes like this: 6 days of full day meetings where the 12 of us (team members) are discussing, analyzing, and documenting a certain process in our work place to improve it. It is a lot of mental work and heated discussion!!
After the six days, the elected team leader would present the project and the action plan to the executives, and after approval, he/she would lead the implementation of the change to improve the process.
The daily team meetings are full of discussions and sometimes opposing opinions; the discussion was carried out in a respectful and organized way, even if one was trying to make out a point that EVERYONE is wrong! Which was good...

So the team members were selected by their departments executives/senior managers; and one of the members is a receptionist aka "annoying guy".
Annoying guy was not really annoying to me until this happened: we just came back from a short break last Wednesday, and the facilitators were trying to get us to come work on this project on Thursday. I told them, I would love to, but absolutely not, I have lectures and a quiz this Thursday in Bahrain. I said, I'm not coming! He replied: if you're not coming, then who will attack? (He is implying that I am attacking others when I am discussing problems with the process and asking them questions and requesting explanations, I was pretty active :p)
I was shocked because, not only he thinks he is all that and that his receptionist experience qualifies him now to discuss medical stuff (he actually "apologizes" for using the medical terminology), now he is trying to look important by this nice question, who will attack?
I was so annoyed, so shocked of such childish behavior coming from a man who has double my working experience. Fine! I smiled and told him that I am not attacking, I am working for the hospital!
His comment was annoying. But I chose to ignore it for professional reasons. Then on Saturday, I was speaking to the group, making a serious comment about an issue that was raised up, and he interrupted me when I first started, and he repeated the word again in front of everyone (go on, attack!). I stopped talking, turned to him smiling, and said "thank you (flan) for your NICE comment" and I turned to the group with a totally serious face and went on talking. Nobody looked at him again, I was able to pull their attention to me thanking him for the word that he said, and then pull it back to what I was saying. It was like, when there is a child shouting and you give him a cookie and he shuts up!
I ignored his behavior not because I could not answer him, wallahi I have nicer come backs, but I rather not reduce myself to his size.
After we finished the discussion, he told me "I am just kidding! You are serious since morning?!" I told him seriously, "that was NOT nice". Period. Ignore. He repeats, I repeat and then ignore. Ignore, ignore, ignore...

Annoying guy disrupted and interrupted most of us, most of us think he is either annoying, or just a person who is ready to clown around at any time. We all despise it when he turns to pretentious mode and pretends to know it all.

He is so annoying, I keep ignoring him whenever he throws another nice comment. And I don't think he would dare give me one of those anymore, because he knows that I will smile and thank him and make him look like a fool.

He got to the look-at-me girl, she got so annoyed that she really got upset about some stupid thing he said. I told her since day one to ignore him, because we are a group of intelligent people, and we will certainly not give weight to whatever foolishness he blurts out. She didn't listen to me and she argued with him.

Isn't he annoying? :p

Butt Ache

Since I know I won't have time or energy to reply to your comments, I'm gonna start by saying ThaNks guys and girls for your support.. I'm sorry for those of you who know what a panic attack is like :( it is just awful! I read on Wikipedia that it is "the most horrible feeling a person experiences" or something of that sort, and I went "yaaaaas that's true :("...
I missed you too and I missed blogger and I missed telling you stuff that I don't have anyone to tell to! I miss you a lot mwah :*

So.. Post now..
On my way back from Bahrain. I had 3 lectures, two hours each, 6 hours straight!! Well, the last lecturer finished about 30 minutes earlier, but 30 minutes is insignificant compared to the amount of time that I've been spending SITTING lately...
I was complaining just yesterday that I've spent the last two days sitting in a FULL DAY meeting, I didn't move much except for prayer, food, or the toilet. Those meetings are going to be for 6 days for a pilot project that I'm a member of. My butt hurts. The meetings hurt my butt. The 3+ hours trip to Bahrain hurt my butt. The 5 and a half hours lectures hurt my butt. And it will hurt on the -inshallah- an hour an a half trip back home.
My butt hurts so much, I am unable to sit on it!! I wanna sit on somebody else's butt! My butt is suffocating.. it is so sore that I am not even considering a butt massage... I'm gonna have gluteal wasting! Is my butt gonna get smaller or larger?... It hurts!

And the thought that I have four more days of those meetings next week ... And the meeting would go from 8 AM untill 7 PM... OMG!

Have mercy...

The most enjoyable part of my trip back is the juicy shawirma I just had. Alhamdulillah for food.. Straightened up my mood!!

Hey, I'm back...
Dunno why or for how long, dunno if I'll even finish this post or publish it.. But I know that I am back.

I have been estranged, I haven't been myself for quite a long time; I have been depressed and tired.. I had panic attacks, at first I didn't know that what I'm going through is panic attacks, but then when I fainted one day, and I read about it, I realized that I have been having them for some time... I took lectures about panic disorders when I studied psychiatry, but I have never imagined that panic could be THIS awful... I believe that nobody is going to understand what recurring panic attacks is until it he/she experiences it... Trust me on that, it is the worst feeling :(

One day last week mom decided that it is enough what my family have put me through, it was when I felt I was stepping into insanity. That day I had one at work and for the first time I went to ER. Valium was nothing to me, I slept for a couple of hours and I woke up in almost the same state... It became real to them that I am getting sick.. And that is when they released me...

Getting closer to God was my treatment, I still have five tablets of Valium untouched (and are not for sale :p).. I don't want to become an addict...

I'm fine now, not 100% fine, but I am.. There is still the occasional anxiety that sometimes exceeds the normal, but I can say that I am al7amdilla controlling it. The way to treat panic attacks is basically controlling those emotions when you get them; convincing yourself that nothing bad is REALLY going to happen. This is of course easier said than done; how can you convince yourself that you're safe, when you are convincing that you aren't, and everything else doesn't make sense?
There are some methods to do this control that psychiatrists know.. If that didn't work, they'd put you on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. I'm very thankful to Allah that I didn't get there.. It is a blessing.

Panic attacks are so awful, I can't even begin to describe it... But if I could get out, so can most people..

So, I'm back!